As I often think

Fear of the future is worse than the pains of the past...

Where are you...

Its a way to say

I desperately needed to update this space.. so sorry for this lame post...

lets see.. hmm... wats the lastest news?

well something very funny happened when i got up today

My parents might have tried hard to stuff that little nursery rhyme, early to bed early to rise... in my head but so far it has not shown any visible sign... may be it is as slow to effect as i am...

I usually get up with mum screaming in my ears like some emo rock band's vocalist... but today what got me up was something i am still grappling to believe...

today dad called from office and simply asked me to get ready...

he came home by the time i had my bath.. then we walked to the mall and gosh! we walked into the reliance digital showroom...

Daddy has bought me an ipod nano... something i once jokingly had wanted to posses...

but then that was long time back....

I am holding my dream device now.. and i still cant believe i am holding it...

Its not my birthday today. neither i have scored too well in my exams, nor that i have cracked the CAT or landed in a job with some big firm... like many of my friends...

then...y...

I have been living all these years with dad... its experience which says that if i wanted dad to get me somthing i would have to make a scene, yell, give numerous explanations as to why i needed it.. keep reminding him constantly, while he ate, while he slept, while he woke, while he is driving, while he is in the shower... but Daddy calling me up, walking with me to the store and getting me that i wanted... its like slime accumulating on kerosene....

sorry, i am speechless..... parents can be unpredictable too and stupid me, i used to think i am a bigshot... for i could decieve them so efficiently...

is this some trick against me.. that mum and dad are playing? or is it that i am just being suspicious for no reason...

Strange... life makes one live so downtrodden that it becomes so difficult to believe when something good is happening...!

May be that is how it teaches us... to be Thankful!

Wish It wasn't true

I have been stripped to my skin
Someone had stripped me
stripped me and touched me

Someone now knows,
all my ugliness that
I have been hiding underneath so far

Someone now knows,
the texture of my skin, the little hair that grow on it
every little bruise
fruits of my own carelessness

Someone now knows,
where I have my birthmark
knows, the mole near my navel

I gave away
the carefully preserved me
to that someone
Its strange,
for i gave it all away
without much retaliation

my secret is no longer mine
was it necessary at all?
But then, did I have a choice?
Do I hate that someone
for stripping me to my skin?
And after all this while,
am I living to regret it?

*this is a product of my distilled cynicism ... relation with any living or dead is mere coincidence...

Jungle of Lights

...As i sit here at the window, far below i see thousands and thousands of lights...
thousands and thousands of yellow and white dots... as if someone has strewn a fistful of golden and silver glitter over a sheet of deep eriee darkness...

they are twinkling...
May be because, somewhere, someone is switching a light on, to accomplish a business... somewhere, someone is switching them off to control their electricity bill...
its strange... did i ever think while turning on a light, that someone up there would be watching me and wondering, what exactly i might have wanted to do next?

As i look below at the vast stretch of the sparkling city, i can make out the highways, which bathe in the sodium lights... they seem like snakes, long glowing snakes, crawling in curves across the land...

little lights travel through them... as the snakes swallow millions of cars, buses, scooters...
maybe there are people inside them... talking excitedly to each other...

I see a white dot.. does it belong to a house? is a little girl getting a scolding for not going to bed?
Its vanished... like million others...
maybe she has gone to bed... may be her mother has tucked her in her warm bed, with her teddy bear... maybe she is now... in her sugar dreams...


The aircraft shivered...

As some clouds block my view for a while..i think of my monotonously meaningless life, the loneliness, that i am getting back to... the unpredictability, the anxiety, the nervousness that is waiting for me there... to catch me and take in me in their coils...

squeezing this tranquility out... leaving an unquenched thirst to let go of life...

Its not a jungle of lights anymore... but few big sodium bulbs, large houses and swaying trees....

Its better i willingly accept it...

"passengers are requested to fasten their seatbelts..."
Alas, they have... but no choice...

they have... but no escape...

Mutton Curry

The title might sound exciting, but this is no recipe... this is a tragedy...
what has happened today, it will make me remember 'Mutton curry' for, probably the rest of my life.
This is a summer vacation...
and as it has always happened since mum got married to dad and shifted to delhi, we are here at kolkata, visiting all the people who fight and yet love each other... people who are there for us when we need them... indifferent of what they recieve from us... people you would perhaps recognize, if i say "relatives"...

Its always fun here at kolkata... a few day's time that we spend here is a span between the plans and the memories...
And This year was no different until something happened...

This year, my brother [an IITian of the future] got his classes, so all we could afford was just a week long trip.... relatives that we got to visit, 30 families...
Got to visit everyone to keep from being unfair... for they all love us equally... probably starve for our company... equally...
that means, 4 families per day... that means, 4 lunches/dinners per day, prepared with much affection, considering all that we kids love to eat... hot, saucy and spicy....


it was the last day of the trip, last night... after a visit to my cousin's in-laws and a heavy dinner of "Mutton Curry" and Luchis [puri] we reached my pisi's [bua ji's] place...
to tell you about pisi, well... she is one of the sweetest people i have known.. a patient of acute arthritis, she still remembers the days when i was born...
its often embarassing but its also a delight to see her narrate with tremendous pride to anyone who would hear, the day when she had first taken me in her lap and i had ummmm..er.... wet her sari....

Though she doesnt keep good health these days, the courageous sweet lady prepared a huge dish of the spiciest of mutton curries [thanks to the bird flu rumours this was the fourth time I had mutton that day]. she began pestering us...
our future IITian went to bed leaving me... trapped in her emotinal blackmail...
and i confess, i being a greedy hog, enjoyed it...

I had it... loved it.. ..licked it off from all my fingers... and the rest that followed ...i can only tell you...
it began with the burps which were stinking like a city dump... then followed the tightness...
It felt like i was bound with millions of shackles... drawing out all that i could beathe, in the warm stuffy kolkata heat...
then followed the tummy ache... it began swelling like a balloon, until the elastic of my tracks began to hurt...

I was sweating like a cow [dunno if cows sweat] ... everybody began asking if everything was alright.... and all i could do was nod and smile...and stare sweatily... at the TV..

after they went to bed, i sneaked into the bathroom to puke...
and trust me, it didnt happen.... maybe i had packed myself too much,
or maybe it was the restriction i had put on the amount of sound that i could make...

defeated...i sneaked back to bed...and put on the music...
Lamb of God, one of my favourite rock bands, did make some difference but for the first time in history, it didnt last... the goat precided over soon...
My tummy was hurting like i had jabbed it with my grandfather's butcher knife.. that he often uses to cut fruits...

I closed my eyes n began to decide... should i wake them up and reveal the little secret that i carried in my intestines.. or should i just lay back and sacrifice it to save the honour...
It would be really embarassing if i let it go... but the pain was beginnig to get unbearable...
when the bile begun bubbling, i woke mum... just asked her if she carried any medicine....

that was it... she woke up, then woke dad, the dad woke pisi, pisi woke didi who called and woke my bro- in- law, who happens to be a doctor, living in some other part of the city..

within fifteen minutes everybody in the house was up and searching medicines, talking excitedly, giving suggestions....
I closed my eyes in the cacophony... this was enough... i already suffered enough of physical torture... now this spiritual pain [dont correct me.. i intentionally call it spiritual]
After much search Di found a rantag 40... one square tablet went in .. where my insides had gone on a virtual strike...
Then after a while i visited the loo again... and this time it was a Heavenly experience... as heavenly as it had never been before....

Nobody slept that night.. it was 4:30 in the morning when everyone sympathised over a cup of tea...
oh! how i wish this wasnt the hot topic of discussion...

I visited the loo fifteen times a day for next three days... its no longer heavenly... cause everyone in my entire family now knows about it... even the maid, who is sweeping the floor beside me, now.. is smirking!