Today As I Stand

I often imagined myself,
standing on the railing of my balcony...
I would often think of the plunge that
would perhaps purge me of all miseries...

I would often jest about, standing on the railing of my balcony
to all those who would want to hear and give the desired expression.
I would often consider it the easy way out
of life's challenges
The way, often taken by the cowardly...

I would often laugh at the idea
for I knew it would never happen,
I am a mortal, I appreciate life

Today ...
My condition has finally given way...
The emptyness of life has finally forced me to do something which i never imagined i would.
Now as i stand here,
Its strange...
my limbs tremble... as they had..
never before..
my heart beats, like i had run a thousand mile...

But my mind is numb...
After being constantly chased by tumultous thoughts
all these years
it has finally paused for breath

Today as I stand on the railing of my balcony
I hold Life and Death in each of my hands...
Its my will which I Choose
which i Cheat

Its my will...
Which i save, which i damn
Today, Its my will, which decides destiny

As the sun bestows
its last, an orangish glow
I feel the warmth
Today as I stand on the railing of my balcony
from where, the world has always seemed my regime

for the first time,
I feel, the eternal power
Today as i stand on the threshold of life and death
I feel,
I am God...

Daddy's Daughter

For the first time today, Daddy gave me an expression i had least expected...
and a feeling, of a lifetime....

After reading the piece, 'an untuned emotion', with one of his most serious concentrations and reflecting over it for quite some time,
all he said was... "Beta, what is this?"

The Large balloon of my happiness began to leak. All my pride at being able to create something i so far considered a masterpiece began to shatter....but what i felt at that moment was something which i can only call, strange....

Had I become so complex that Daddy, who, would know my mind with a mere smirk of my lips or a twitch of an eyebrow, could not understand what i had described in thousand words ?
Had i become so complicated for him now?

I remember, when as a kid, Daddy would teach me to ride my bicycle.
He would hold my seat and run as i would paddle and try hard to keep balance...After a while i would be lost and when i would turn, he would no longer be there.
He would be standing at a distance , wearing a Godly smile at me...

That would be enough reason for me to start to wobble and crash into the nearest tree or somebody's standing car... Once even a dustbin had its chance.
on my confrontation, he would only say... that he was out of breath...

Today when Daddy couldn't get the poem... a fear stings sharp and it takes me back to my bicycle days.
May be my poem is not that good. may be its completely Bogus!
Or may be i am just wobbling, for Daddy has let go of the seat.

Daddy's Daughter has come a long way..Daddy stands somewhere, Far behind... Probably admiring her...with that Godly smile...

Just a passing thought

Realisation is worth a million dollar for it is followed by Tranquility which is......
but priceless.....

DeathWish

It's six thirty in the evening
as i sit solitary and silent
in my room where
only the dim, flickering luminence from the mosquito repellent
is the only possible source of light

i have been holding the silvery razor
for a long time now
thinking all this while, how life has turned out
How it no longer holds an aim
How it stands now with
voids....
with blanks,
which i can't fill with whatsoever i might want to do
It stands with,
a long list of questions
that i have no answers to

it stands with many other things
Which are kilos and kilos of
meaninglessness...


A sudden pain stings hard
as i finally move the razor
over my wrist...
A flash of lightening
And then a shower...

I watch my skin glow
as it never glowed before
under the rivers and tributaries
of bright red

As it falls on the persian carpet
drop after drop after drop
the pale blue turns into
a dark shade of Crimson...

soon it can soak no more (so much as me)
There is a pool
of my worthlessness
that never deserved to run in my veins

Its strange...
I can feel pain no more
my hand is numb
the numbness then moves to my shoulder
to my Face, to my Mind
where the happy memories begin to collect

I am now at peace
As the turbulence Ceases,
I close my eyes

the happy scenes fade
Its dark now....
Hopefully................Forever!

The Rag Doll

You have abandoned your rag doll
you must think,why keep her? Dirty and torn she is
Her hair filthy, her face sooty
her dress..
oh! so course.


I have a new doll now

She is a princess
Look at her golden curls, her sleek figure
the smooth white plastic
her blue eyes which glisten as i move her to light
her dress, oh! so soft n glamorous
she is mine, yes she is
i will flaunt her to all my friends
How jealous.. they would all be!!!


So what if she is so self satisfied?
so what if she doesnt need me to hold her
as she sits on my bed?
so what, if i leave her outside for a while she turns cold against me..?
So what if i can't weep in her bosom when mama scolds me?

SO WHAT??

She is mine, yes she is
The one i have been waiting for



Your Rag doll still lies here... helpless and forgotten
Exactly where you had left her
She knows, perhaps you will never return
still she longs for one warm touch of your hand
Her large stupid buttony eyes
still glistens with hope
her heart wishes to hear,
just one loving word from you...

An untuned emotion

This what happens when one is sitting idle for days together.... tries one thing n it turns out to be the other... expects somthing n then expects somthing else n then expects again ....
dreams donot come true but still dares to dream...

This is what happens when one wants to care n wants to b cared for. worries n wants to be worried about, thinks n wants to be thought about, feels and wants to be felt, dis covers and wants to be discovered...

This is what happens when life has a lot in store but one has no patience..
...as the surpizes unfold.... it flings monsters when one is least expecting....
..then this is what happens when it is too late to regret the impatience....
when it is too late to be honest about one's convictions....
This is what happens when one is taken for wat one is not and mistaken for wat one is...
n This is wat happens when one doesn't care for wat happens...

but the heart bleeds...somewhere deep within...